In the past few days, I've felt strangely depressed. And I don't mean that I'm just feeling overwhelmingly sorrowful; it's that I feel absolutely hopeless and meaningless. I guess part of it is due to how I've had absolutely nothing to due, but on the other hand, it's because as I've matured more, recently, and it has become frighteningly visible how horrifyingly...vile the world is in just about everything. It's almost like I can see things I couldn't understand before; like some of the things that used to comfort me I either find terrifying or altogether pointless.

It's not that I feel like I'm without purpose, and I don't; it's that I feel like nearly everything around me is choking me. It's as if the air I breathe, the food I eat, the water I drink is killing me. I've come to the realization of how everything I can see and touch is dead or dying; that none of it is good, and nothing I can do will make it any more pleasant unless I fool myself- and I'd much prefer to know and understand the truth than a sophisticated lie telling me everything in the world is wonderful. The world is self destructive, everything man touches begins to rot; everything, it seems wants to be in a state of misery, caring only of the brief moment it survives.

And I'm starting to wonder why I do anything anymore. The hate the world mistakes for brotherly love sickens me in it's vulgarity; none of it is real; all of it is for selfish, brief reasons that are pointless. Whenever someone says they love someone else, they say it just to fool them to get what they want. The world cannot grasp such things, because such things are sophisticated beyond it's simple grasp.

I do not intend to rid myself of what is bounding me to this world; everything exists for a purpose, and I intend to suffer that, whatever it may be. Though my life feels now as if every step I take is through a field of briers.

-Ngakunui